


Epistolary

by MoonAndPomegranate



Category: Supernatural
Genre: M/M, Samifer - Freeform, Samifer Week 2013
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-18
Updated: 2013-10-18
Packaged: 2017-12-29 19:20:16
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,518
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1009089
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MoonAndPomegranate/pseuds/MoonAndPomegranate
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Selected excerpts from Sam Winchester’s daily prayers, as heard by one Lucifer Morningstar, King of Hell, c/o The Throne, The Cage, Hell. Additionally, selections of His Majesty’s prayers as related to one S.W., as well as his replies to S.W., being the only answers the latter ever got.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Epistolary

**Author's Note:**

> This idea has been in my head since Sam said that he prays every day in 2x13. Wrote it a while ago to tug at my own heartstrings, but I figured it wouldn't hurt to post it for Samifer Week.

God bless Daddy and Dean.

God Bless Mommy in Heaven.

Thank You for putting Whoppers in the vending machine today. They’re my favorite. And most of the vending machines don’t have ‘em.

Please help Daddy find whatever hurt Mommy, so we can go home and Dean can have have the Nintendo he wants. And I can share it. And get a dog.

Amen.

 

**O Sam Winchester, who art crawling on an Earth THAT DOES NOT BELONG TO HIM, shut the hell up. You don’t know what a shit hand life’s dealt you and I find that hilarious. On the other hand, you have no idea how good you’ve got it and I find that infuriating.**

 

Hi Mommy. I miss you. I hope you’re happy in Heaven. Dad says that’s where you are, that’s why I can’t see you. Pastor Jim says no one is ever sad in heaven. He says that it’s for the holy and good people.I want to go to heaven. Please, mommy, I don’t know if I can. Dean and Dad and you will be there. I try to be good, but I don’t know how to be holy.

 

**Oh. _Honey._**

 

I swear to You, if we have a home by Christmas, I’ll go to church every Sunday. Even if Dad won’t take me.

 

**Buddy, if you were down here with me, I’d make you a house out of sharpened human teeth and burn you with the righteous grace of God every Sunday. I think it’d burn worse for you, what with all that unholy blood in your veins, hm? I’d certainly like to find out.**

 

Thank You for the A on my test. And for Mrs. Callahan because she let me keep my textbooks, even though I’m not supposed to. Thank You for letting me steal the textbooks without getting caught.

 

**We’ll make a sinner of you yet, huh, Sammy Boy?**

 

Oh my God, if You’re listening, please let Dean and Dad come back tonight. I’ll do anything. They’re late. I don’t know what I’d do if they were gone. Please help them fight well. And bring them back safely.

 

**If I had anything to do with it, they’d’ve been dead so long ago. God, I can just imagine it. You’d be in a nice foster home, getting the ever loving shit beaten out of you by some nice, alcoholic lady and you’d stop with all this bullshit faith and I wouldn’t have to hear you whine about Dean this and Dad that ever again. Hey Dad, You listening? You should really let me have this one. I’m sure You’re pretty backlogged up there. Don’t worry about it - I’ll take care of Sam Winchester, hm? Yeah, fuck You, too.**

 

Please. I know You’re listening, because You kept Dean and Dad alive and You made it snow on Christmas and Dad started me on target practice a full year before he said he would. So I know You’re there. Please, if You ever listened to anyone’s prayers, make Dad stop hitting Dean. It was my fault. It wasn’t Dean’s fault, alright? I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.

 

**Please? Please stop making me listen to these. I don’t care, do you understand? You think their pathetic, melodramatic lives are going to make me like them better? This is idiotic and heavyhanded, even for You. I don’t give a shit about sad, little Sam Winchester’s sad, stupid, little life. Just stop. I don’t care. I DON’T CARE!**

 

Oh my God, if You could just make this motel room stop _smelling_ like that...

 

**What’s it smell like, Sammy? Sulfur? Rot? Intestines? The misery of countless damned souls mixed with the piss and shit they let loose when they realized they’re finally getting what’s coming to them? Because that’s all I’m getting down here.**

 

Please let her say yes. Please, please, please.

 

**Oh? Who’s this?**

 

Thank You for this. Thankyouthankyouthankyou.

 

**Sam. Winchester. Are you really praying the first time you kiss a girl? Is this what’s happening right now? You are _hopeless_ , you know that? Just hopeless. I wonder what you’ll sound like when _I’m_ inside you. Who’ll you pray to then? Oh Sam, I’ll make it so good for you. You’ll forget all about...whoever you’re dry humping right now. Her. I’ll make you forget all about her.**

 

Please, just give me another week here?

 

**Nope! I’m not even there and I know Daddy’s not gonna let you have that one. Not my Daddy and certainly not yours. Huh. Bet she promised to give it up for you in a week?**

 

Please do not let me die in this godforsaken apartment in Birmingham. Any other time, any other place, any other ghost. I just don’t want to die in Birmingham. I hate this town so much. Don’t let me die here.

 

**Wow. I’ve heard less desperate pleas from people with half their skin flayed off. What’d Alabama ever do to you?**

 

Please, do not let me die a virgin.

 

**Wait, what? You’re still…? What’s wrong with you? Is my meatsuit ugly? Fat? Oh, you best not be or I will not be pleased, Sam. Not pleased at all.**

 

Just this once. Just this one time. Let me have this. Let me have Stanford…

THANK YOU. THANK YOU.

 

**Oh, please. That wasn’t Him. That was you, babe. All you and your sad, nerdy brain.**

 

Oh my god, I’m so alone. Please, please help me. I’m so...alone.

 

**Oooooh, this one. I know this prayer. This is the one you say before you stop altogether. Well, I can’t say I won’t miss you, little guy.**

 

Please keep Dad and Dean safe. Please help them forgive me. Please help me forgive them.

 

**Sam Winchester, this is the 487th time I have heard this same exact prayer. Even I gave up at this point. They’re not coming back for you. Give up.**

 

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you for Jessica freaking Moore.

 

**Who’s this now?**

 

Do not let her find out. Don’t. She’s just. Look at her. She’s from Seattle. She orders these hilarious cocktails with, like, six ingredients. She owns reusable chopsticks. I’ve never felt so safe with someone. Not with dad holding a ten-gauge in front of me. I just want to be safe for her, too. Don’t let her find out. Ever. Thank you.

 

**Oh, that can be arranged. I’ve got someone down here who’s just dying to meet her. I’ve told him all about her. And of course, he knows all about you. Oh, Sammy, we’re coming for you.**

 

Jess, Jess. _Jess_.

 

**I’m going to have to listen to this for a long time, huh? Well, don’t worry about me. I’ll just get comfortable in my torture chamber and listen to you cry about your dead girlfriend.**

 

Jess, I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry.

 

**Dad, if You ever loved me, kill me and put me out of my misery. I can’t listen to him cry again. He’s…pathetic. It's annoying, it's awful. Make it stop. Now. Please.**

 

Thank You for Dean. I mean it. I never thought I would...but thank You.

 

**Are you kidding me? Just like that? He left you, Sam. For years! You’re just going to forget about everything he said and did before Stanford? You have no spine. _This_ is my true vessel? It’s just sad is what it is. You’ve got no self-respect, Sam, no pride at all. **

 

Just send Dad our way. Just once. I need to see him. I need to talk to him.

 

**You are just precious. Seriously, after all this time? You still get a laugh out of me. Oh, maybe Father sent you to me for a reason after all. I can always use a good laugh down here.**

 

Don’t you dare let Dean die. Not here. Not in this stupid hospital. Give him a proper hunter’s death. You owe him that.

 

**He doesn’t owe Dean Winchester shit. Boy’s lived too long anyway. Let him die. Let Michael deal with _that_ , hm? **

 

Please don’t let it be true.

 

**Oh, but Sammy. It is true. I can hear him, right from where I sit. Your Daddy’s _mine_ and I am going to crack him like a bad luck mirror. You’ve just given us so much _material_ to work with, honey. All those times he beat your brother, all those times he abandoned you? Nothing we like more down here than a good guilt trip. That and sodomy. With spikes.**

 

So now I know. I know why all this has happened to me. I know I’m all wrong. Demonic. But I don’t care. You hear me? I don’t give a shit. I’m going to keep praying to You anyway. Just because some demon’s been stalking me, just because he has it in for me, doesn’t mean I can’t be saved. Doesn’t mean You won’t save me, right? Right?

 

**Oh. Oh, _Sam_. Would it be terribly insulting if I called you my hero right now? I hope so. What an example you are, for all of us lost causes. What will it take to shut you up? In the face of such terrifying odds, how stupid can you be that you’re still praying to _Him_? **

 

**Where is he? What did you do to him? WHERE IS HE?! Don’t you dare take him. Sam Winchester is mine. You’ve never done a goddamn thing for me and I never asked, not once. Don’t you dare take this from me. Take him. I am his destiny. He does not get away from me that easily.**

 

Thank you for this. I won’t fuck this up. I will kill Azazel if it’s the last thing I do, I promise.

 

**Aw, but Sam. He loves you. Really and truly. He cares about you, like a father. And...thank You. For giving Sam back. I deserve to have my chance, don’t You think?**

 

Please don’t let them take Dean. It was my fault. I got killed. He’s just. He’s just a little dumb sometimes. About me. I make him stupid. So why’d you let him make that deal? If I’d’ve just stayed dead...he could’ve gotten smart, huh? Please don’t let him get taken for me. From me.

 

**You Winchesters are the gift that keeps on giving, huh? I’ll prepare a room for good ol’ Dean. There are a few conversations my friends would _love_ to have with him.**

 

Dean. Dean. I’m praying for Dean Winchester. Oh God and all the angels in Heaven, please, please save Dean Winchester’s soul. I...I don’t know if I can.

 

**_Save_ him? He’s having fun down here. Aren’t you, Dean? He can’t hear me. Neither can you. But suffice it to say, we are having a marvelous time down here and really, Sam, your intervention is not only unnecessary but unwanted. Really. **

 

Thank You for Ruby. Thank You. I know what You probably think of her, but she’s doing the right thing. Thank You.

 

**Oh, Father, thank You for providing the endless entertainment that is Sam Winchester. Oh, thank You. I miss Ruby. Send her back when she’s done up there. She’d love this.**

 

THANK YOU.

 

**Oh you found Dean, did you? Oh, I’ll miss that sick motherfucker. Good riddance to his new glowing friend though. Ugh, the headache he gave me. Have fun with that one, Sammy.**

 

So the angels don’t want me. I’m still going to pray to You. I’ve been praying to you all my life and they can’t stop me. Not now. Thank You, God, for your glory and your grace. Thank You for saving Dean, for giving him some who believes in him.

 

**It’s like you’re actually competing in some kind of contest for head-in-the-sand idiocy. Sam Winchester, nobody wants you. Certainly not my father. And no one’s listening but me.**

 

Please, please let this be the right choice. I’ve asked You for so much, but just this once, let me be right about this.

 

**Oh Sam. I’ll finally, finally be able to answer your prayers this time. Answer it in the negative, but I’m coming, baby.**

 

Oh my god, I’m sorry. It’s all my fault. I’m sorry. Help me fix it, please. I just want to make it right.

 

**Oh! There you are, Sammy. Still praying? Of course you are. It’s not like you’ve grown a brain since you sprung me from the cage, have you. This apocalypse is going to be so much fun, I can already tell.**

 

Please. Don’t let them come for me. Just let us stay down here. Please.

**Are you...praying?**

Yes.

**To who?**

God.

**He can’t hear you.**

Yes, he can.

**I know you think so. I’ve heard you pray every damn day of your miserable life.**

You have?

**Yep, no big guy in the sky. Just lil’ ol’ me, listening to all your sad, desperate delusions. Your guardian angel.**

Just because you could hear it, doesn’t mean God didn’t.

**Are you serious right now?**

Yes.

**It’s been almost two years since you prayed. Why, why of all times, would you start now?**

Because I’m down here. He listened to me. I asked for a way to fix it and I got one. Plus, you’re trying to talk me out of it, so it’s probably the right thing to do.

**It’s going to be a long eternity down here, isn’t it?**

You’re telling me.

 

Please help Lucifer see reason. Please help him stop this. He’s hurting himself. He’s hurting all of us.

**Really?**

What?

**You’re praying for me?**

Yeah. Why?

**No one’s ever done that before.**

Oh. Sorry.

**No! I mean. Do what you will. Don’t let me get between your nightly conversations with the walls, Sammy.**

 

Thank You.

**You’re welcome.**

Not you, Him.

**Did you just…?**

Thank God for letting me fuck the Devil? Yep. Yep, I did.

**Sam Winchester, I think I love you.**

If you really loved me…

_**Oh.** _

 

**Oh. _No._ We were just starting to… Please. Send him back. **

 

Thank You for getting me out. Dean needs me. I guess the world needs me. Thank You. For another chance. I’ll do it right this time. I promise.

 

**What about me Sam? Hm? Remember me? No? Nothing for your old friend? C’mon, you selfish bastard, you know I’m listening.**

 

Oh God. Please get Lucifer away from me. Get him out of my head. Make him stop. I’m sorry I tried to escape the cage. I know it was my punishment, I know I deserved it, but I can’t have Lucifer here with me. It’s scaring Dean. It’s not safe. Please make him stop!

 

**Sam! What’s wrong with him? I’m not in his head. That’s not me. I’m still here. What’s happening to him? Please don’t make me listen to this.**

 

**Heh. You can’t take torture someone who has nothing left for you to take away. Oldest trick in the book. So You took him away. And You made him hate me. And he barely even prays to you anymore. Not to You, not to anyone. Are you happy now? He’s miserable, I’m _still_ miserable...are You done now? **

 

**I miss him.**

 

Oh God, I miss him.


End file.
